Interview with Brian Griese

[phattymatty]

Drew: Brian, thanks for taking the time to sit down with me.
Brian Griese: No problem.

Drew: My buddy banged your ex-girlfriend. Were you aware of that?
Griese: No.

Drew: Apparently, she was a cheerleader at Florida State. My friend said that, for a Jewish guy like him, nailing an FSU cheerleader was a triumph on par with Arafat's death. Would you agree with that statement?
Griese: No.

Drew: The Bears had an outstanding regular season last year but lost their first playoff game to Carolina. How much blame do you personally take for that loss?
Griese: I played in Tampa last year.

Drew: So you acknowledge that you weren't there for your team?
Griese: They weren't my team.

Drew: I see this is a touchy subject, so I'll move on. You played with Chris Simms. Is it true that when Chris Simms was a child, he made his dad hire a black man to be his toy for a week?
Griese: No.

Drew: They made a movie of it, you know. Starring Richard Pryor. Remember that?
Griese: That wasn't Chris.

Drew: Brian Urlacher, your new teammate, dated Paris Hilton. You've seen Brian's penis in the shower. Just how ravaged is it?
Griese: I have not seen Brian's penis.

Drew: I mean, is half of it gone? Are there lesions of any kind?
Griese: I have not seen his penis.

Drew: Fans around Chicago were ecstatic when Rex Grossman finally returned from injury late last year. Do you hope Kyle Orton somehow starts a lot of games next year so that expectations plummet and people will go wild for a similarly average QB such as yourself?
Griese: I'm here to back up Rex and be ready to play at any moment.

Drew: The Bears are nicknamed the "Monsters of the Midway". Does that mean this team is at its best during halftime?
Griese: I don't think so.

Drew: The Bears signed CB Ricky Manning in the offseason. Do you own a computer?
Griese: Yes.

Drew: Okay, well look out for that. Ricky don't like dem folks what have fancy gadgets and what not.
Griese: Okay.

Drew: Your father, Bob Griese, played for '72 Dolphins, who went undefeated. You played for the '97 Michigan team that went undefeated. What's it like to be one of those insufferable pricks who has everything go their way?
Griese: It's all right, I guess.

Drew: Dick Jauron: worst coach, or worstest coach?
Griese: I never played for Dick.

Drew: But you did play for Jon Gruden. Were you aware that Jon Gruden gets up at, like, 3AM every day? Doesn't that make him a better coach than Bill Belichick, who gets up at 3:12AM like a little Hoyda?
Griese: I guess.

Drew: Thomas Jones plays for your team. Are you aware that Thomas Jones has repeatedly farged me sideways in fantasy football year after year after year?
Griese: No.

Drew: Well, he did. He's a farger. The next Priest Holmes, my ass.
Griese: I think Tom is great.

Drew: You lost cornerback Jerry Azumah in the offseason. When you lose a player that mediocre, how does the team adjust?
Griese: Uh...

Drew: That's perfect. You're a mildly attractive man and I'm fairly drunk. May I kiss you?
Griese: No.

Drew: You have a very kissable mouth, and a strong chin. I like men with a strong chin.
Griese: Stay away from me.

Drew: Brian, thanks a lot for putting down the clipboard and talking to us today.
Griese: You're welcome.

[Dillen]

Drew: The Bears had an outstanding regular season last year but lost their first playoff game to Carolina. How much blame do you personally take for that loss?
Griese: I played in Tampa last year.

Drew: The Bears signed CB Ricky Manning in the offseason. Do you own a computer?
Griese: Yes.

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

This is some hilarious shtein.

[Wingspan]

Drew: I see this is a touchy subject, so I'll move on. You played with Chris Simms. Is it true that when Chris Simms was a child, he made his dad hire a black man to be his toy for a week?
Griese: No.

Drew: They made a movie of it, you know. Starring Richard Pryor. Remember that?
Griese: That wasn't Chris.

whether these are real or not.

this one-two punch of questions simply cannot be beat. 

[Beermonkey]

I'm out of the loop. Where are these coming from? That's some of the funniest shtein I read in awhile. 

[Zanshin]

Worth a chuckle.

[Diomedes]

And not much more.

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

You're just hungover.

[Diomedes]

Nah, man.  I don't get hung over.  Not on school nights, anyway. 

[ice grillin you]

yeah this one was weak

the woody one was jokes


the guy who does this is a big time colbert rip off

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

the guy who does this is a big time colbert rip off

There are plenty of people that are bad rip offs of the real deal, whether that is Stephen Colbert or a long-suffering urban black man.

[ice grillin you]

and some people are real

realler than an innocent child turned killer

[rjs246]

I don't know what that means.

[PoopyfaceMcGee]

I don't know what that means.

That's because you're a white bread urban wannabe lacrosse dook joint.

[SunMo]

I don't know what that means.

pass the salt